The Role of Sex in Marriage

One of the greatest lies the world tells about sex is that it belongs to the individual. It is my body, my desire, my satisfaction, my choice. The world treats sex as something to be used for personal gratification, self-expression, or pleasure without covenant responsibility. Scripture gives us a completely different picture.

In 1 Corinthians 7:1–5, Paul teaches that sexual intimacy in marriage is not for selfish taking, but for love giving. It is not a weapon. It is not a bargaining chip. It is not something to be used to punish, manipulate, or control. Within marriage, sex is a gift from God, given for covenant love, protection from sexual immorality, and mutual selflessness between a husband and wife.

The problem in Corinth was that they were confused on both sides. Some were acting as if sexual immorality did not matter. Others went to the opposite extreme and acted as if sex itself was unspiritual, even inside marriage. So Paul corrects both errors. Sexual sin is wrong, but sex in marriage is not. The marriage bed is not dirty. It is not shameful. It is not worldly. It is holy when it is received according to God’s design.

That is why Paul says, “Because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband” in 1 Corinthians 7:2. One of the purposes God has given for marriage is the prevention of sexual immorality. That does not mean marriage exists only for sex. Marriage is also for companionship, covenant love, and, often, the blessing of children. Yet it does mean sexual intimacy has a real and important place in marriage. To deny that is not spirituality. It is disobedience.

The writer of Hebrews says, “Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled” (Hebrews 13:4). Marriage is honorable. The marriage bed is undefiled. Sex inside the covenant of marriage is not a necessary evil. It is not something God tolerates with embarrassment. It is part of His good design for a husband and wife.

Then Paul says something that is completely opposite of the way the world thinks: “The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband” in 1 Corinthians 7:3. The world thinks sex is for me. It is about my desires, my body, my satisfaction, my choice. Paul says the opposite. In marriage, sex is not for oneself but about your spouse. The husband should give to his wife. The wife should give to her husband.

That word carries the idea of something owed, something due. Paul is not speaking crudely. He is not giving permission for selfish demands or manipulation. He is saying that in marriage, husband and wife have given themselves to one another. Sexual intimacy is part of that covenant. It is not a tool for selfishness. It is not a reward system. It is not a weapon. It is a gift that belongs within the covenant relationship.

Paul explains why in 1 Corinthians 7:4: “For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.”

That is shocking in our day. We live in a world that says, “My body, my choice.” Yet Paul says to the Christian, “You are not your own.” First, we belong to the Lord. We were bought with a price. Then, in marriage, husband and wife belong to one another. The husband’s body belongs to his wife. The wife’s body belongs to her husband.

This is why sexual sin is so serious. Premarital sex gives to someone what rightfully belongs to a future spouse. Adultery gives to someone what rightfully belongs only to your spouse. Sex outside of marriage is not merely a mistake. It is theft. It is giving away what is not yours to give.

Inside marriage, however, sexual intimacy is meant to be a blessing, a protection, and a means of deepening covenant love. It is one of the ways husband and wife say, “I belong to you.” It is one of the ways selfishness is put to death and love is practiced.

That is why Paul says, “Do not deprive one another” in 1 Corinthians 7:5. Apparently, some in Corinth thought abstaining from sex in marriage made them more spiritual. Paul says no. You are not becoming more holy by robbing your spouse. You may actually be creating room for temptation. Paul gives one exception. A husband and wife may abstain for a limited time, by mutual agreement, for prayer. Then they are to come together again, “so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control” in 1 Corinthians 7:5.

That is plain. Sex should not be used as a weapon in marriage. It should not be withheld to punish. It should not be used to control. It should not be used to manipulate. That is unhealthy, and it is not holy. At the same time, this passage does not give either spouse permission to be selfish, demanding, harsh, or careless. The whole point is selfless love. The husband is not called to use his wife. He is called to love her. The wife is not called to despise her husband. She is called to love him. Both are called to stop focusing only on themselves and begin asking, “How can I serve my spouse?”

That is the issue in so many marriages. Selfishness ruins marriages. “This is what he is not doing.” “This is what she is not doing.” “You do not know what I have to live with.” Yet Scripture brings the question back to me: What is my responsibility? How am I called to love? How am I called to serve?

Ephesians 5:25 says, “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” Men, that is the standard. Christ gave Himself up for His bride. He loved sacrificially. He served. He cherished. He nourished. Real love is not demanding from your wife. Real love is serving your wife.

This applies to all of marriage, including the bedroom. A Christ-centered marriage is not built on selfishness, resentment, punishment, or control. It is built on covenant love, mutual giving, repentance, patience, affection, and service.

So married couples should ask honestly: How is selfishness hurting our marriage? Have we treated intimacy as a gift from God, or have we turned it into a weapon? Have we viewed our bodies as belonging first to the Lord and then to one another? Are we pursuing holiness together, or are we making room for temptation?

Sex isn’t the issue; sin is.  Selfishness is the root of the problem. God designed sexual intimacy in marriage as something good, pure, protective, and covenantal. So let marriage be honored. Let the marriage bed be undefiled. Let husbands and wives belong to one another with joy, humility, selflessness, and love before the Lord.