Light in the Darkness
At 56 years old, here I thought I knew pain. Ha! Um...no. Let me tell you, this has been the absolute most painful and difficult time in my life. Ever.
I'm so sorry for ever dismissing, in my mind and without prayer, anyone who told me they had or have shingles, as if it was just a simple "painful" rash.
I'll be perfectly open and honest with you: this situation caused my depression and anxiety to surface. All I could hear was my own voice. Why me? How could God let this happen to me? What did I do to deserve this? Me, me, me.
Boy, was I sick and tired of hearing myself at some point.
Ever been there, where you find yourself listening to yourself spewing lies instead of talking truth to yourself?
Even though I knew better, the lies made me think that I deserved better in this life—one with no troubles. As if God Himself did not send down His only Son to suffer and to die for me.
"Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise Him, my salvation."
Psalm 42:5
After several days and nights of this, God humbled me and brought me to repentance. One morning, along with my son, during an especially painful time, I cried out to the Lord for forgiveness for my heart toward Him. I acknowledged His goodness in my life and prayed that, if it was His will for me to go through this, it would be well with my soul no matter how it ended.
I honestly thought I was going to die since I was having heart and breathing issues from the medication.
In light of everything I was going through physically, emotionally, and mentally, it's only by God's grace that, at some point, the Holy Spirit shook me (not physically, of course...or maybe it was those upper-body vibrations I had. Hmmm...I dunno. Who knows? Only God knows.) and reminded me that I needed to continue to focus on prayer, ask others for prayer, read and listen to God's Word, remember it, and preach it to myself instead of wasting my dreadful long days—and even longer dark nights—watching mind-numbing TV and YouTube, as I had been doing. I just couldn't seem to move or concentrate on anything for very long because of the distracting pain and discomfort.
I tried reading the Psalms but didn't know where to start and soon became overwhelmed.
So recently I reached out to my pastor, Dan Sardinas, and he pointed me to some wonderful resources. I was able to listen to a couple of his sermons from 2016 that were very encouraging to my soul: "A Song for the Waiting" based on Psalm 27 and "When You Are Depressed" based on Psalm 42.
I highly recommend them. They were such an encouraging reminder of God's goodness, our need to cry out to Him in confidence—especially during the most difficult times—and why we should wait patiently upon Him.
I was especially moved by the truth of Psalm 42:8:
"By day the Lord commands His steadfast love, and at night His song is with me, a prayer to the God of my life."
This means that, like David, we need to continue to encourage ourselves in the Lord over and over and over...and then some more...day and night when we forget, because we live in a world where God never promised us we would be without troubles. In fact, He warns us that we will have them.
He commands us to pray to Him, and rightfully so, because He is our Lord. He is also our refuge and our living water when we are thirsty beyond help and feel as though we are drowning in deep sorrow, just like the psalmist.
It is only in Him that we can find true strength.
I believe we should encourage one another during difficult times not to give up but to continually remember God's goodness in our lives as we struggle together. Maybe even journal something every day to thank God for and pray over while we are in the midst of our trials.
In the meantime, as I continue to receive God's blessings of gradual healing in His perfect timing, through many of your prayers and by His sovereign will and grace, I can also praise Him for His goodness and lean on Psalm 27:13–14, just as David did:
"I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living! Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!"
I can gladly proclaim that God has healed my bout of depression and anxiety. Hallelujah!
But God's ways are definitely not our ways, and if it were up to me, I'd be completely healed physically right away. Because the medication did not agree with me, I am learning to rely on and wait upon the Lord.
The waiting is producing patience, endurance, strength, and a dependence on God.
It's funny how we can always look back and say, "Thank You, Lord."
"But they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint."
Isaiah 40:31
All that being said, I want you to know...
God IS good. So very good.
